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By Kimberly Bailey
Learning that your friend is diagnosed with cancer is devastating news. You’re left speechless and uncertain about how to provide support. Support starts by learning as much as possible about your friend’s diagnosis. It’s not uncommon for your friend to withdraw and not want to talk about it. Reach out to mutual friends or family members who may be able to provide enlightenment. Express empathy by recalling a time when you were extremely ill or fearful. Also, get ready for changes in your friend’s physical appearance and mental attitude while you offer yourself as a supportive backbone.
- Kelly Corrigan from WomensHealthMag.com was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer in 2004 and sheds light on how to help a friend with cancer. Avoid comparisons while your friend is receiving treatments. Everyone’s journey for battling cancer and surviving is unique. In the words of Corrigan, each case of cancer and health elements are different— “that make chemo more or less effective, surgery more or less imperative, survival mode more or less probable.”
- Just be there with support for your friend. Be genuine and avoid empty platitudes. Make your friend feel safe by creating a space where it’s comforting for them to open up about their illness. Don’t belittle the seriousness of their condition. Talk about old times, gossip, shared experiences and travel plans, rather than cancer. They will appreciate this enjoyable distraction. Also, writing to your friend is a tangible way to stay close and express your thoughts. Your friend can keep the letters and cards close and read them when feeling low.
- Offer practical help while your friend is at home recuperating. Shop for groceries, cook and serve a meal, or drive your friend to an appointment. These are kind, helpful gestures. After radiation treatments, your friend may be too tired to do these things for herself.
- Spread good energies elsewhere. Donate unused leave time to a catastrophic leave bank if your employer agrees. Donate a wig to cancer patients who would like to have one but can’t afford it. Try to keep feelings of depression to yourself. Unless you can display a reasonably placid or happy attitude, stay away until your mood improves.
Do’s & Don’ts
Comfort your friend by:
- Asking permission to visit without imposing.
- Making it clear that you are flexible about visiting arrangements, and you’re always willing to make changes or cancelations.
- Making fun plans for the future.
- Being cheerful — but sensitive enough to talk about scary issues like death.
- Calling your friend weekly while reassuring your friend that you understand if they don’t answer the phone.
- Treating your friend the same way as always; don’t act strangely.
- Asking how you can help.
Avoid saying:
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “We need to talk.”
- “You should ask the medical laboratory technician for the latest reports.”
- “I know what you need.”
- “I feel helpless.”
- “Don’t worry.”
- “Everything will be OK.”
It’s ok to say:
- “I’m sorry this is happening.”
- “You can talk to me about this any time you want.”
- “I care about you.”
- “I think about you.”